Kalyana-Mitta

Written by Good friend in dhamma on 01/31/2007

The first Pali I consciously learned at Buddhapadipa Temple was the term ‘kalyana-mitta’. I learned this term from my teacher Chulan and at that time simply understood it to mean, ‘spiritual or noble friend’, which indeed it does. It was not long afterwards that I came to realize that by introducing me to meditation and sharing his knowledge about Buddhism, Chulan was also the embodiment of that very thing he described. Chulan remains my ‘kalyana-mitta’ to this very day and I am sure is in the same relationship to many, maybe all of you around this table (Tuesday’s night discussion). Over time, I have had the good fortune to be able to add others to my list of noble companions who are accompanying me along the Path, including many of you here tonight. I feel honored, therefore, that both Chulan and Ajahn Sangthong should invite me this evening to have the opportunity to introduce those of you who may be new to Buddhism to this term. This occasion also provides me the opportunity to deepen my own theoretical knowledge of something I have accepted in a rather simple sense and which, until now, I had experienced rather than contemplated.

The Buddha in his life of teaching was not only concerned to give the benefit of his insight for bhikkhus and bhikkunis, to ascetics and recluses but was concerned to promote the welfare and happiness of ordinary working men and women. His repeated injunction to all his followers was very simple:

• Abstain from all that is evil.
• Develop and promote good deeds.
• Purify the mind.
• This is the Teaching of all the Buddhas.

For his own son, Rahula, the Buddha first gave him advice when the boy became a semanera at age seven years. This is recorded in the Ambalatthika Sutta of the Majjihma Nikaya and makes use of simple similes to impress his teaching on the young mind of Rahula. The Ambalatthika Sutta deals with truthfulness and mindfulness as foundations for building character and developing the mind.

The Buddha gave his second exhortation to Rahula when he was aged 18 years in the Maha Rahulovada Sutta. This contains instruction on meditation starting with mindfulness on breathing and leading to Insight Meditation.

When Rahula attained the age of 21 years, after being a monk for one year, the Buddha gave him instruction on the 3 characteristics of all conditioned existence (impermanency, unsatisfactoriness, insubstantiality). Contemplating these characteristsics, Rahula attained Arahattapala, the highest goal of a recluse’s life.

In this way, then, the Buddha was a spiritual friend to his own son Rahula. In the same way, the Buddha made similar efforts with the son of a wealthy family living in Rajagaha. The parents of the boy were devout followers of the Buddha, but their young son, Singala, was indifferent. He refused to go and listen to the Buddhas discourses and was only interested in material wealth. He feared that coming into contact with the Buddha and his disciples would mean he would have to make offerings and this, of course, would cost him money. When his father was on his deathbed he got his son to agree to carry out his last wish. He asked him to ‘worship the directions’. Just as his father had hoped, the Buddha found Singala one day carrying out his father’s last wish and the Buddha consequently engaged him in conversation and gave him a discourse. The Buddha realized that Singala was not ready to receive his teachings on the Noble Path and thus he prepared him with an exposition on Sila (or Morality) which deals with Right Speech, Right Action and Right Livelihood. This Sutta is known as the Singala Sutta and is the place where the Buddha lays out social obligations, family responsibilities the responsibilities of the individual to society in terms of good conduct and morality. He describes obligations and responsibilities between parents and children, teacher and student, husband and wife, between friends, relatives and neighbours, employers and employees. He explains how bhikkus should satisfy the religious needs of those who are less intellectually and spiritually advanced, by imparting knowledge of Dhamma to them and helping them along the right path. The advice given covers every aspect of the human relationship based on loving-kindness, sympathetic understanding and charity. It is in the Singala Sutta that that the Buddha defines the qualities of a True Friend. He refers to Singala as ‘young householder’:-

260. Young householder, these four should be regarded as true-hearted friends: he who is helpful: he who is the same in prosperity and adversity; he who gives good counsel; and he who understands and sympathizes.
261. Young householder, he who is helpful should be known as a true-hearted friend, by four characteristics: he protects the inebriated friend; he protects the property of the inebriated friend; he is a refuge for the friend who is in trouble; and when unforeseen needs arise, he comes to the aid of the friend with twice the required assistance.
Young householder, he who is helpful should be known as a true-hearted friend, by these four characteristics.
262. Young householder, he who is the same in prosperity and adversity should be known as a true-hearted friend, by four characteristics: he confides his secrets in his friend; he keeps the secrets of his friend; he does not forsake his friend when in trouble; he sacrifices even his life for the sake of his friend.
Young householder, he who is the same in prosperity and adversity should be known as a true-hearted friend, by these four characteristics.
263. Young householder, he who gives good counsel should be known as a true-hearted friend, by four characteristics: he restrains his friend from doing evil; he encourages his friend to do good; he tells him about profound matters which his friend has not heard before; and he shows his friend the way to the realm of the devas.
Young householder, he who gives good counsel should be known as a true-hearted friend, by these four characteristics.
264. Young householder, he who understands and sympathizes should be known as a true-hearted friend, by four characteristics: he does not rejoice in the misfortunes of his friend; he rejoices over his friend's prosperity; he restrains others from speaking ill of his friend; and he commends those who speak well of his friend.
Young householder, he who understands and sympathizes should be known as a true-hearted friend, by these four characteristics.
265. Thus spoke the Bhagava. And having spoken these words, he uttered these verses:
The friend who is helpful, the friend who is the same in prosperity and adversity, the friend who gives good counsel, and the friend who understands and sympathizes, - the wise should know these four as true-hearted friends and cherish them with devotion as a mother cherishes the child of her own bosom.
The wise man of virtue shines bright like a blazing fire.
The riches of a person who acquires his wealth it harmless ways like a bee which gathers honey without damaging the flowers grow as an ant hill grows.
Having acquired wealth in this manner, the young man able to set up a household should divide his wealth into four portions; in this manner he can make friends:
He should spend and enjoy one portion; he should use two portions to run his business; and the fourth should be reserved for use in emergencies.

There are references to the important role of a Kalyana-Mitta throughout the scriptures. One of these is in the Dhammapada, an anthology of 423 verses belonging to the Khuddaka Nikāya (‘Compact Collection’). In verse 376 in a chapter intended to advise monks, the Bhuddha says:-

Keep the company of noble friends
Who live a pure life, who are not lethargic.
Be friendly wherever you are.
Always be prudent in all your actions.
Then, filled with bliss you will
Make an end to suffering.

Ayya Khema in her book, ‘Come and See for Yourself’ gives a beautiful and moving exposition on these lines which I shall attempt to summarize, but which you should read in their original as I cannot possibly do justice to her writing. The significance of a noble friend is stressed at the start of this verse, as the first condition to end suffering. She points out how easily we are all moved by the company we keep. A ‘noble friend’ is a friend who is not lethargic and who in his or her daily life does not indulge in even small excuses. They are the kind of person who leads a pure and energetic life and the term ‘Kaliyana-Mitta’ should be reserved for people who have demonstrated such behaviour over an extended period of time. The Buddha advises that we can only say we truly know a person when we have lived with them for a long period; one commentary specifies 12 years. What is important is not so much what people say, but the way they live their life. The term ‘noble’ actually has a special meaning in Buddhism and refers to someone who has succeeded in internalizing the teaching. Conversation with a Kalyana-mitta brings us fresh insights regarding our spiritual path because their priority will always be spiritual development rather than worldly life. Such friends, says Ayya Khema, give a clarity that naturally expresses itself in simple language and awakens in us a new perspective and deeper understanding.

The Buddha always wanted his teaching to be expounded in the most simple form so that it could be accessible to all. Nobody should go away feeling that they are not capable of understanding the Dhamma; nor should anyone imagine that all that is needed is faith. According to the Buddha, we can confide in a good friend without fear, safe in the knowledge that they will not disclose secrets. The trust should be mutual. A good friend will always make sure that others do not speak ill of us and they will always be pleased to hear good spoken of us.
Speech does, of course, have a spiritual dimension to it. It is this that nourishes, refines and inspires the mind. The company of a good friend can make a significant contribution and help us to feel joyful and confirmed in our faith. If we know someone who can help us on this path we are treading, who encourages what is skilful in us and whom we can emulate, we are truly fortunate and should cultivate their company. If we ourselves are to draw people towards us, we have to be careful not to slip to the level of people who do not have spiritual practice. We need to develop a high degree of mindfulness to achieve this.

The word ‘prudent’ in line 4 of the verse indicates that we need our intellectual faculty and that our actions must always be governed by foresight and good judgment. We all need an inner voice that speaks loud and clear to us from our conscience. In our laziness or short-sightedness that inner-voice can get ignored because we are more easily attentive of our own desires. The spiritual path is very different from the ways of materialism. We cannot excuse what we do on the grounds that this is something that everybody else does, as the conduct of the majority offers no guide to what is right conduct in spiritual matters. We find all kinds of excuses to suffocate the inner voice that points us in the direction of the skilful and the virtuous when it suits us. We say to ourselves: ‘Well, why not do that? What harm would it do? I have the right. Other people do it. It would be so much more convenient. To overcome this, we have to continuously remind ourselves where our true interest lies. One technique for doing this is to visualize our friends (including our noble friend) and our enemies and to imagine that they exist inside us (as internal objects), we can then choose to be our own ‘best friend’ rather than ‘our own worst enemy.’ We need to listen to ourselves carefully for the advice that will make us truly happy. As those of you who were here for our discussion on the development of the Brahmaviharas, in developing this technique it is important to begin with ourselves first. Although the Buddha is concerned with our attitude towards noble friends, it is important to consider through self-observation whether we are truly our own best friend. Are we aware of the conversation taking place in our mind? If so, can we recognize the direction and drift of our thoughts and do we know how to work with them?

Ayya Khema tells us that real development takes place when we realize that whatever happens around us, it is our thoughts that determine the quality of our inner lives. You and I need to realize that we alone are responsible for our own inner-happiness and peace, and also for the unhappiness and disquiet of others. Whatever happens around us, we have ourselves brought about. When we have developed the ability of being a noble friend to ourselves, we will support all that is positive in ourselves, while dissuading ourselves from the negative. We will foster an interest in anything that can help us make progress. We will patiently continue to acknowledge our difficulties and rather than blaming ourselves will make effort to change. If we deal with our own weaknesses compassionately we will feel the same compassion for others and recognize their difficulties. Through being compassionate, we will be able to cultivate an inner nobility of spirit. In this way everyday concerns can be left behind – feelings of aversion and negativity – and we can try to lift our spirit, our mental states and our emotions, to a level where we can recognize everything as universal process. The self-inquiry involved in being a noble friend requires us to know what is best for us – and this is not necessarily what is the most convenient or pleasant. For those of us at the beginning of our spiritual path this is especially difficult as we are suddenly faced with things that we had no idea lay dormant within us.
The Kalyana-mitta is someone who leads a pure life and is not lethargic (line 2). That is he or she is someone who does what needs to be done rather than postpone it. Its opposite, inertia, originates in the mind and can make both body and mind feel heavy. In line 3 we are exhorted to be friendly wherever we are.
On the path of Purification we have no choice but to be friendly. If we are unfriendly we are in that very moment creating bad karma. It is a mistake to think that karma only arises from past events. The present process matters much more. The past is over and the future has no existence except as a mental concept. When the future arrives it will be called the present.
We can encounter the effects of karma on the spot. When we feel good, peaceful, pleasant, it is very likely that we have been behaving according to our conscience. Vice versa when we have behaved unskillfully we will probably feel agitated and upset. We should remind ourselves not be unfriendly if someone treats us in an unfriendly way. In view of the fact that they are creating bad karma for themselves, we should be feeling compassionate towards them, not angry.
The exhortation to be prudent in all your actions (line 4) is a question of mindfulness. The need to carefully monitor your actions in order to avoid reacting impulsively. We are all too quick to condemn others when we see their bad side taking over their actions. We should be just as watchful and discerning about our own actions.
Friends are not there to boost our ego, but to give us the opportunity to be a noble friend. Our path of practice serves to support others, an important point which is emphasized repeatedly in the Buddhist writings. However, we can help others only so far as we have already helped ourselves.
If we surround ourselves with noble friends who lead virtuous lives and are free from sloth and torpor and if we are friendly and prudent we will be filled with bliss. Bliss is a feeling of contentment that arises out of the knowledge that we have done our best. In this way we will find it easier to attain the first meditative absorption which triggers the sensation of bliss.

In conclusion, it can be said that the concept of kalyana-mitta is at the very heart of Buddhism. Like the Buddha himself, a true kalyana–mitta acts as a spiritual friend and guide out of kindness and compassion for the suffering of all beings. This is the very position that the Buddha adopted when, even after having attained enlightenment, he chose to remain in this realm and to teach. In this sense, the Buddha is the first kalyana-mitta and he is in this relationship to all of us who choose to listen to his words which come to us through the Dhamma and the Sangha.


REFERENCE LIST

KHEMA Ayya (1998) Come & See For Yourself Windhorse publications pp 47- 53

http://web.ukonline.co.uk/buddhism/singala8.htm

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